Thursday, November 7, 2013

Lies, Hurt and Friendship

Why does it hurt so much?

Why does it hurt so much when you lose a friend, not to death, but because of stupidity?

A few months back I had this awesome friend who I could share anything and everything with. Someone I knew wouldn't judge me, at least until after I explained things, and someone who was always there for me no matter what. Someone I could talk to for hours at a time and never get bored. A best friend.

Then it happened. I was stupid and kept something from this friend. Why? I have no idea. I kept it from this friend for a long time too. Building a friendship with this lie hanging over it like a huge umbrella. An umbrella so big you couldn't see past it. Then one day I decided to tell my friend what it was and, well, now we are not friends anymore. It hurts so bad. I spent days thinking of what I could do to fix it, only to realize there probably was nothing I could do. The damage had been done, I would't be able to fix it. The sad thing is... this wasn't the first time it had happened. It wasn't the first time I hurt my best friend to the point of not talking. How could I be so stupid to do it again, and again, and again, until all hope was lost. Until it was the straw that broke the camels back. I didn't mean for this to happen, I never planned it out this way. It was one of those friendships that could last a lifetime, and then some. My new friends named brokenness, sorrow, hurt, and pain.. they were all there. They aren't the best of friends either. They don't help you through anything. Like c'mon now.. they could at least do something useful, right? Nope. However, life went on. Soon, I was no longer thinking of my old friend every day. It turned into weeks, then just every once in a while. I felt like it was over.

Then one night I woke up suddenly.

I couldn't get my friend out of my head. This lasted for days. I knew something was up. I knew I had to do something to make it stop. I tried everything to make the thoughts go away, but nothing worked. My friend was there to stay.  Eventually I decided to email my friend, since they blocked me on Facebook not even a week before. I tried to explain why I was emailing them, and I laid it all out on the line. I said I want to still be friends, I know I hurt you over and over again, but I am changed! I am a new person. I want to be real and honest with you. 100% truth from here on out. I apologized over and over again. I sen that email and my heart started to pound. Then I get a text from a number I don't recognize. All it said was, "Check your email." What do you think I did next??? I went to the bathroom... NOPE! I checked my email. It was my friend, they responded. We emailed back and forth for a while and then I got another text from that number I didn't recognize. It was my friend and they said I have a way with words. I knew I got that chance.

How do I not mess it up this time? Be real. Be honest. Thats what was racing through my head.

So we started talking. Started catching up as if nothing had changed from the last time we talked. Then I got a text saying "Crap." I knew something was up. I said what, hoping that it was something like I forgot to write a paper for school or something, but I knew what it was. They said they couldn't do this right now. I said I understand. I knew it was a shot in the dark. But I got my hopes up. Not only did I hurt my friend over the last few years, I hurt myself because I didn't have my best friend to talk to. I said I wouldn't give up so easily this time. I want my friend in my life. I feel broken without my friend. It hurts.

I can't do anything else except wait, hope and give my friend time.
So the waiting begins. My hope is restored. And my friend has time and space.

Friday, February 8, 2013


I was recently on a retreat with the high school youth group I am a leader in. It was an incredible, God filled, weekend and lots of growth happened in the students, leaders and myself. One night, Pastor Jon, read this and the band played the last two lines. It hit me so hard. I love what this is saying and I hope I can continue to grow and change as God does more and more in my life.

"I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have Holy Spirit power. I've stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His. 

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.

I'm finished and done with low living, sidewalking, small planning, smooth-knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly-talking, cheap-giving, and dwarf goals. 
I no longer need pre-eminence, position, promotion, applause, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. 
I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience. I am uplifted by prayer and labour by power.My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is HeavenMy road is narrowMy way is roughMy companions are fewMY GOD RELIABLE. My mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of my adversaries, negotiate at the table of my enemy, or ponder at the pool of popularity.
I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I've stayed up, stored up, prayed up, preached up for the cause of Christ
I am a disciple of Jesus.

I will FIGHT for You. I will DIE for You. I will GO for You.

We will FIGHT for You. We will DIE for You. We will GO for You."
May this be my prayer, my heart and my life God. Amen.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The End of the Beginning: Part II

At the beginning of my summer, early May, I blogged The End of the Beginning.

I blogged about
and really doing it.

Well I got the change part. Just not the change I was expecting. The change I got is:
no school..
no job..
and no idea what I am doing.

As I look back I see this...

I look at myself and say, "What have you done Jesse? Why did you think you would do well, without doing any of the work? Why do you get so lazy and procrastinate so much, to the point of no return? And to top it all off think you can always weasel your way out of it?"
I told myself it is time to change.
And 3 months later I am still saying the same things to myself. Why am I lazy? Why do I procrastinate on things? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I don't want this "me" anymore. I am sick of it, sick of always failing at important things. I want a new me..

a me that wont quit when things are tough.
a me that does work when needed.
a me that can finish school... and do well in it.
a me that reads God's word and prays like I should.

I need this change if I am going into ministry. And I cannot do it alone. I need to call upon my friends and family to keep me accountable and to pray for me regularly. I give up on things so easily and I clearly do not have the strength to fix that. God, however, does and I know He wants to help me. So here I am Lord.

Lord, this is my prayer tonight. It is a prayer of surrender. From this day forward I want to be yours, fully, in word and deed. This is not another one of those prayers where I say to myself I want change, but deep down I don't. I am addicted. I am addicted to sin, the one thing that separates me from you for eternity. My flesh finds it so attractive, yet my soul longs to find a path without it. This is a sincere and heart spoken prayer for change, love, and help. This is me saying I cannot do this change alone. This is my laying my life down in complete surrender to what you have willed for me. This is me saying I don't want to me forging my own path, but to be walking along side you on the path you have made for me. The is the real end of the beginning for me. This is my white flag. This is me falling on my knees begging for forgiveness. This is a prayer for a new life and a new me. Lord, show me what needs to be done to have a new, corrected, God honoring life that is pleasing to you. I pray all of this is Jesus precious name. Amen